Healthy Vegan Brownie Bites + Being an Adult Child of Divorce

Hey Amanda,
Thanks for sharing this. I am going through something *quite* similar, though circumstances of the split are different. I would also argue that it’s harder to cope with parents splitting when you’re an adult…though no doubt it would still be awful to experience as a child. I’d say it just sucks, period. For the parents. For the kids. For the extended family, and even for friends. It changes so much, and sometimes it’s hard to deal…to know what to say and do. And the holidays just add another layer of complication.
Just wanted to offer a bit of empathy. May things get easier for you…and cheers to making new traditions of your own!

Amanda – thank you for coming forth and opening up your chest and mind of feelings – ones that aren’t exactly as glamorous and glistening as the holidays. Your words resound with me and I have been holding them close, pairing them next to my own. I’ve been making this argument for some years now – as I am also an adult child of divorce. I don’t speak about it often because it tore/tears my heart in half, even though both my parents are now happily remarried (to which I am also incredibly grateful for). Being emotionally developed and conscious really made the divorce hard for me – perhaps the biggest struggle is knowing that things will never be the way they were as when I was growing up. They split for the right reasons, but I, too, yearn for lost traditions – eager to make new and beautiful ones. So much love to you and your holiday. xo

Ah Amanda, I’ve read this post a few times now and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing so openly, so vulnerably, with the world here. I think more sharing of moments like these — our not-quite-so-perfect families and our less than perfect holiday days — is important. At least to me it is. Reading this made me feel so much less alone in my own experiences.

For what it’s worth, I agree with you, I think it’s definitely harder to experience your parents getting divorced as an adult. I was young when mine split but have seen adult friends experience it later in life and how painful it’s been for them. It’s interesting, though, because my parents’ divorce, I guess because of my age at the time, never really bothered me too much growing up. During the holidays, my sister and I would always complain a little about having to drive between the houses for the various dinners and events but it was never too terrible because we had each other to whine about it with LOL and, truthfully, we made a lot of memories in those car rides between houses over the years! When my sister died in our early twenties, THAT’s when I felt the effect of their split. I know that sounds strange, that my parents’ divorce felt more prominent fifteen years after the fact than it did in the earlier years, always the absolute worst during the holidays. I felt a whole new level of anger and resentment and abandonment from their not being together, I guess because at that point I was the only child who had to deal with the holiday BS solo, and truth here, I’m still not sure I’ve moved through that feeling fully. I don’t know if you have any siblings but if not, I send extra extra hugs your way.

With all that said, recently, Barrett and I have been making our own holiday traditions. The past couple of Thanksgivings and Christmases have been spent with friends, many who also have families divided and find the shuffle stressful and painful. And to be honest, they were some of the absolute BEST holidays I’ve had in my adulthood! I guess that’s the key to it all. Grieving what is not, or what is no longer, and then making peace with what is so that you can find the holidays just plain fun again. Anyway, I wanted to share with you and debated about whether to write you privately or share publicly here. I opted for the latter because your words and experiences made me feel less alone. It felt fitting to offer it back.

All the hugs to you this season, my dear. Thank you again for your words. <3 <3

PS: If you and Brian ever want to join in on our friends-only holiday celebrations (they really are super fun) you know where to find me. :)

These are gorgeous! Can’t wait to make these for Christmas dinner. And thanks for your honesty. It is nice to read a blog that has so much heart! my parents split when I was six months, so I didn’t get a chance to be upset, as I was too young. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been as an adult, when your emotions and intellect are fully developed. I hope every Christmas jus gets better for you. xx

Oh Amanda. Huge thanks for sharing <3. I'm 25 now and I can't even imagine going through something like that. I think we're so often swept / blindsided by media representation of holiday s- ie endless sometimes nauseating cheer, so thank you for being honest, for sharing this part of yourself and your story with us.

PS these treats do look amazingly delicious!!

Someone said to me recently, The holidays are hard for people!, and I said, Nobody acts like that’s true!, and she said: That’s part of why they’re so hard. I hadn’t thought of it like that before. We have these fun Hallmark movies and flashy family cards and we think everyone’s family is one big fun party, but that’s not really true. Thanks for being honest about where you’re at — it’s brave, and it’s helps people reading know they’re not alone.

There is always pain when families split apart. I hope it gets easier for you as time passes. Special occasions tend to bring up the most tender feelings as we think back to the past and happier times.
Guess what I’m doing this weekend? I’m going to my husband’s ex-wife’s house to watch her & her family open early xmas presents! My step daughter lives out of town and can’t make it for xmas day and when she comes to town its not for long, so we all get together so that my hubby can have more time with her, and she is happy to see both sides of a family coming together. We call it the new Modern Family. It hasn’t always been easy for me to hang out with his ex, but I do it for the benefit of everyone else. I have my own daughter as well, who is also an adult. So with time, you never know what healing can bring. And starting new traditions of your own is a lovely beginning.